2015 Word of the Year

For a few years now I've chosen a theme or word to focus on for the year. Kind of like a New Year's resolution, but a bit broader. I didn't do this last year, but I've been inspired to do so again. This new adventure of marriage (just 18 days in!) has got me thinking a lot. Reflecting more on my actions and how I'm loving, serving, caring for and respecting my husband. These first couple weeks have been filled with so much joy. I love spending so much time with my best friend every day! Love the sound of the keys in the door, knowing that my love has just come home :) 

Yet, I find my thoughts often wandering into insecurities about how I'm doing at filling this new role of "wife." Daniel has served, loved and cherished me so well, constantly encouraging me and validating me. Assuring me these doubts are unfounded. Yet...my mind continues to go there. When a meal isn't going as planned and ends up being served 2 hours later than I hoped for..."I don't know what I'm doing...how am I supposed to be a good wife when I can't even cook chicken?" When I look around our still messy and unorganized apartment..."I was supposed to get so much more done today...I'm failing, allowing the mess to grow." Along with insecurities, I've seen how selfish I can be. When my man is rushing to get out the door to make it to class on time, and I choose to stay in bed and only get up at the last second to give him a kiss before he walks out the door (ignoring the many times my heart prompted me to get up and make his lunch or help with breakfast). 

So, this leads me back to my word for the year. I've chosen to focus on value: the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something. I know that my value and worth is securely found in Jesus. Yet lately that's been hard to cling to. I was encouraged by Matthew 6:25-34 today. Jesus tells us to not be anxious about anything (food, clothes, our lives) because God knows all our needs and provides them. I love verse 26: "Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" My heavenly Father finds great value in me. Whether I find value in myself in the moment or not, He does. And His is the most important opinion. So this year I want to rest in His value. As I strive to do that, I hope that I am able to more readily accept my wonderful husband's encouragement and affirmation; that I hold my thoughts/tongue when I am about to criticize myself and speak truth instead. I also want to grow in valuing others. Starting with my husband - putting him above myself. And from there, moving on to other family, friends, neighbors, coworkers.

I've also realized the need to be more thankful. Turning more quickly to praising God for things instead of complaining. So, I am joining my dear friend Joanna in the Joy Dare, using Ann Voskamp's (author of One Thousand Gifts) promptings to write down three things I'm thankful for each day for the whole year, which will result in a record of over 1,000 gifts from the Lord! What a treasure to be able to look back through that list in difficult times! So instead of complaining or putting myself down in the above examples, I'm thankful. Thankful that I have an adoring husband who puts up with my craziness, compliments the food I make and supports my cooking endeavors. I'm thankful for our messy apartment, because it speaks to our amazing friends and family and their incredible generosity towards us; we are SO blessed. And I'm thankful that right now as I wait til I start working, I have the opportunity to serve my husband by waking up when he does to help him get ready, cherishing those sweet morning moments together.

I'm excited for what I will learn about value and thankfulness in this year! Do you have a word or theme you'd like to focus on this year? Will you join the Joy Dare?

Waiting

In recent conversations, I keep telling people I'm in a season of waiting. Waiting to hear about my internship placement, waiting for Daniel to get back, waiting for new roommates, etc. And it's got me thinking about waiting. In life, there are always going to be new things to be waiting for. Waiting to graduate high school, then college, then your Master's, Ph.D., better jobs, retirement. Waiting for boyfriends/girlfriends, engagement, marriage, kids, grandkids. So in this time of waiting, I want to learn lessons about how to be waiting that I can carry with me into the things I'll be longing for in the future. 

What does waiting mean anyways? Most of the time, I think it looks like longing or pining for some event or date in the future. This can quickly lead to discontent, anxiety, worry, jealousy, and a myriad of other emotions that so detract and distract from what is happening today. So how can we wait in a healthier way, more honoring to our Father?

I think it starts by realizing that these things we're waiting for are not the end goal of our lives. When Daniel comes home, it isn't the fulfillment of my life. God has a greater purpose for our story. His return is a part of that, and this doesn't mean I am not excited for it or don't desire it. But I don't want to be waiting for that day in a way of feeling entitled or setting huge expectations on it. I don't want to be hoping in these events, because they will pass and leave me hungering for the next thing. I want to live in the present moments, with my eyes wide-open to what God has for me each day. 

Now, that won't stop me from counting down the days (because I really am so excited for him to be back!), but I hope that my heart in counting to them would be different. Instead of "21 days until Daniel comes back," I want my heart to say "21 days left of learning lessons, thriving, and enjoying this time of dating long distance. 21 days of being more available and focused with my roommates, family and friends. 21 days until Daniel and I begin the transition to figuring out what dating in the same state looks like." Because really, him simply "coming back" is NOT the main goal! The ultimate goal of my life is to be honoring and glorifying God in all of my relationships, in the way I think and act, in my heart's longings. And I am confident He has much to teach me in these next 3 weeks, and I do not want to miss that by being consumed by counting down the days. 

I want to wait differently. Not anxiously or impatiently, but waiting in the Lord, with my hope and trust deeply rooted in Him. I want to wait joyfully, expectant of the work He will do each day. That's how I want to live in between the "big" moments, so that I'm not missing all the "little" daily moments that in reality do a lot more in shaping my character and directing my steps each day. The majority of times the word "wait" is used in the Bible, it is referring to waiting for the Lord. Hoping in Him and trusting in Him. And there are great promises and blessings that come from this waiting in God. 

I was struck today by Psalm 39:7 "And now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You." and Psalm 62:1, 5 "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation...for God alone, oh my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him." I want to be waiting and hoping in those ways. Hoping in the life and salvation I have in Jesus. Waiting for Him to direct my paths and provide me with all that I need.

So my friends, in the coming days, if you see me veering from this patient waiting in the Lord to the anxious waiting for Daniel to return, please call me on it! I'm excited for what else God has to show me in these next few weeks :)

Growth

A year ago I was eating ice cream, crying, and cuddling on the couch with my roommates after saying goodbye to Daniel at the airport. Tonight, my lips are full of praise and my heart is full of joy!

It has been a long year in some ways, and a short year in others. Time always seems to do that, doesn't it? Going into the year, although I had peace about Daniel leaving, I was still unsure, afraid, doubtful, and questioning God. It just didn't make sense to me. It wasn't in my plans for my boyfriend to leave for almost two years. But reflecting back on all that has happened in this one year, I wouldn't have had it any other way! 

We have faced many struggles and battles and valleys in this year, but they've all led to growth! Growth in our understanding of God and His character, growth in our relationships with Him, in ourselves individually, and so much growth together! I am so confident that God is using this in our lives to mold us, strengthen us and prepare us for what He has planned for the rest of our lives. If things had gone my way, we would not be enjoying these blessings God has given us because of this time apart. Blessings of deeper understanding of who we are and how we relate with each other. Blessings of learning about each other and how to love each other well. Blessings of creative dates and gifts and long Skype calls. Blessings of vulnerability and depth in conversation we had not experienced before. Blessings of laughter and tears as we encourage each other to keep seeking the Lord and trusting Him for our future. 

While I miss him daily, and I know there will be more challenging times in these remaining months, I have no doubt that God will continue to grow us. To bless us and comfort us. To strengthen us. To use us and our story to bless others as we proclaim His name and His faithfulness! 

Lord, thank you for this season. Thank you for showing us more of Yourself and Your love for us. Thank you for giving us such closeness and excitement about our relationship that would not be possible without you! May we continue to trust You for our future and hope in You alone! Thank you for this wonderful plan you have for our lives. May our eyes be fixed on You, and our hearts full of praise!

Now This is Joy

Throughout the past few weeks, I've had many blog ideas rattling around in my head. Just haven't had time to write any of them! Probably shouldn't even be writing this right now, but God has been so good I just have to!

Here are a few bullet point lessons my Father has been sweetly and simultaneously speaking to me through friends' encouragements, time in the Word and messages at church:

• NOTHING is too hard for God (Jeremiah 32:17)
• Sometimes joy comes out of deep pain -- and through that you see the goodness of God and the beauty of Christ! He turns our mourning into joy! (Jeremiah 31:13-14)
• We must embrace the wilderness times in our lives (painful, difficult, trying) -- they are the most pivotal moments of our lives, causing us to rely on the Lord -- they are a gift! And as we embrace trust in those moments, that's when they make sense. We find purpose and hope in the wilderness.
• My Jesus loves me. So much. And he has given me life! (Jeremiah 31:3, Jeremiah 39:18, Jeremiah 45:5)

Can you tell I've been loving my time in Jeremiah lately? So all these lessons, they sound unrealistic, right? Oh yeah, well you can say that. It's easy to say it when life is good. Yet these lessons, these truths and promises, have come out of a couple of the hardest weeks of my life. School has been overwhelming. I have been exhausted. It's been really hard being away from Daniel. I haven't been hearing from him as much and have been missing him a lot more, especially feeling the lack of having shared experiences. It's been hard to trust God. To believe that He has a good plan for me. That He loves me, and that Daniel being 6,000 miles away is part of His perfect plan.

But my Father has been SO faithful! I am in awe. As I've sought Him and cried out to Him, He's answered. I was able to write "Daniel being gone for 21 months is a blessing!" in my journal. Sounds crazy, right? Well, it's true. It doesn't always feel good, but it is a blessing! Because I am being challenged and learning and growing, and Daniel and I have been able to keep growing in our relationship in wonderful ways!!! Yesterday, meditating on Jeremiah 45:5 was really good. Here are some of my thoughts from that time: "This is a war. A battle. But I have life, and have it to the full. I am sustained by You. You love me. You love me and You care for me. You have a wonderful plan for my life. And You're using this trial, this painful season, to draw me closer to Yourself. To wrap me in Your love. To grow me in my dependence on You. To show me that my life is not my own. It was bought at a price. And now is Yours. To be used as You will. To glorify You and proclaim You out of pain. For You are good! So good and faithful."

There is so much more I could say. Maybe it'll be in my next blog. Thanks for reading this far. Be encouraged that the Lord knows exactly what situation You are in. And He is lovingly in control. Persevere in seeking Him, for He is faithful! And He is love!

semester 1.. check!

As of this morning, I finished my last final of my first semester of grad school! Craziness. My 3 page long checklist of everything that needed to be accomplished is all checked off! The time really did fly by, with some pretty significant lessons (new and revisited) in these months. Here are a sampling of them...

1) Grad school is intense. Many late nights, so much more reading and writing and research than anything in undergrad, and lots of presentations. Yet it is also so exciting and rewarding. I love applying what we're learning, and preparing to start our clinics in the spring! Just more confirmation that this is what God has created me to do :) 4 more semesters, friends. We can do it!!!

2) Rest is important. True rest. Not just zoning out to a tv show, but resting in God's word. In His presence. How refreshing that is! Also, how much I enjoy doing little arts and crafts projects. Painting, crocheting, decorating.. all have also been ways that I've enjoyed resting recently, doing something different than reading and writing and studying. It's been lovely!

3) Friends are wonderful blessings. I have been so encouraged by my roommates, fellow grad students and so many others who are dear to my heart. It is so nice knowing that they love and support me in what I am doing, and are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on! From lovely visits, to bringing me flowers and sweet little twins to play with, to making me food, to laughing and crying with me, these friends are so sweet :)

4) Technology is a gift from God. Seriously. I can't imagine how much harder these months apart would be if we didn't have Skype! And emails. Letters are fun, but with how long it takes to mail something to/from East Asia, so incredibly thankful for the blessing of the internet! I have loved seeing my sweet Daniel's face and hearing his voice as we chat over Skype. Which leads to the next lesson...

5) Relationships can thrive, even long distance ones. God has been so faithful in giving both of us such grace and understanding for each other, patience with technical difficulties (though great, the internet does not come without some glitches), and the ability to communicate well. Since God is leading us together, I am choosing to keep trusting Him in this, knowing He has great things in store for us. We've even been able to have some fun together over Skype, creating some shared experiences, like in the intense game of battleship we have going on right now, or acting out Much Ado About Nothing. As I hope in the Lord, I am encouraged to keep pressing on in His strength, and have confidence in what the future holds.

Well, those are some of the important ones. All I am coming up with at the moment. To sum it up, God is faithful and truly awe-inspiring. And as I seek Him and trust Him, even the difficult things in life seem more manageable. What a wonderful blessing :)

Weaving a Tapestry

So the past few days have been a little harder for me. Listened to the song Tapestry, by Beth Champion Mason (you should listen to it!), as I was driving back to Long Beach tonight, and it was very fitting with how I've been feeling. How I want to be trusting what God is doing in my life. Recognizing how He is using this challenging time to grow and strengthen me, and create something more beautiful in me. Sometimes (like now) it's hard to do that. But I will keep seeking and trying to trust. Rejoicing in the lessons I'm learning, in how my understanding of God's character is growing, and experiencing this deeper expression of His love for me.

Continuing to pray this verse for myself and Daniel as we trust God in this distance:

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside. I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread." - Job 23:10-12

It Is Well With My Soul

Well, Daniel boarded a plane to East Asia late Thursday night. Leading up to that painful moment when he disappeared from sight with a last wave good-bye until now, a few days since he's been gone, God has been doing such a work in my heart! I can do nothing but fall on my knees in awe and praise of Him, who perfectly is writing the story of my life. So a few lessons..

#1: I have never experienced and known the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7) as deeply as in this last week. I am so thankful for how God has been guarding my heart and mind in this way. It seems crazy from a worldly perspective, but as we were saying good-bye, I was able to honestly say (albeit through tears) "I'm not scared". And that has continued to be true in these past days. What an amazing gift!

#2: I am so thankful that Jesus has given me life. That I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me, interceding for my on my behalf. I love Romans 8. All of it. The freedom I have to cry out to my Father in weakness. To experience His love that I can never ever be separated from! To truly know that He is working for my good! And seeing that happening already.

#3: Psalm 34 also has many lovely gems. I love that I have been able to "taste and see the the Lord is good" and be blessed by taking refuge in Him. Thankful for His tangible expressions of His love and goodness through my roommates, friends and family. Verses 15 and 17 are also especially powerful to me. "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry", "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them". I have found it so powerful to be able to literally cry out to Him, and experience Him loving and comforting me through my tears. That I do not even have to be able to form the words, but He knows what is on my heart, the deepest expressions of my emotions. He knows, and He hears and He cares and He loves me through all of it. I'm reminded of Hannah, in 1 Samuel 1, crying out to the Lord, in bitterness of soul, pouring out her soul to Him. I am thankful for the freedom of that. And that I can cry and grieve, but simultaneously, be so filled with joy and hope and peace!

There is probably more to add, but I think this is good for now :) I get to skype with him in less than an hour! SO excited :)

Oh Lord, may I continue to deepen my trust and hope in You alone. May I cling to the truths of who You are, experiencing the depths of Your love for me. I want to still be singing when the evening comes. Bless the Lord, O my soul.