It Is Well With My Soul

Well, Daniel boarded a plane to East Asia late Thursday night. Leading up to that painful moment when he disappeared from sight with a last wave good-bye until now, a few days since he's been gone, God has been doing such a work in my heart! I can do nothing but fall on my knees in awe and praise of Him, who perfectly is writing the story of my life. So a few lessons..

#1: I have never experienced and known the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7) as deeply as in this last week. I am so thankful for how God has been guarding my heart and mind in this way. It seems crazy from a worldly perspective, but as we were saying good-bye, I was able to honestly say (albeit through tears) "I'm not scared". And that has continued to be true in these past days. What an amazing gift!

#2: I am so thankful that Jesus has given me life. That I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me, interceding for my on my behalf. I love Romans 8. All of it. The freedom I have to cry out to my Father in weakness. To experience His love that I can never ever be separated from! To truly know that He is working for my good! And seeing that happening already.

#3: Psalm 34 also has many lovely gems. I love that I have been able to "taste and see the the Lord is good" and be blessed by taking refuge in Him. Thankful for His tangible expressions of His love and goodness through my roommates, friends and family. Verses 15 and 17 are also especially powerful to me. "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry", "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them". I have found it so powerful to be able to literally cry out to Him, and experience Him loving and comforting me through my tears. That I do not even have to be able to form the words, but He knows what is on my heart, the deepest expressions of my emotions. He knows, and He hears and He cares and He loves me through all of it. I'm reminded of Hannah, in 1 Samuel 1, crying out to the Lord, in bitterness of soul, pouring out her soul to Him. I am thankful for the freedom of that. And that I can cry and grieve, but simultaneously, be so filled with joy and hope and peace!

There is probably more to add, but I think this is good for now :) I get to skype with him in less than an hour! SO excited :)

Oh Lord, may I continue to deepen my trust and hope in You alone. May I cling to the truths of who You are, experiencing the depths of Your love for me. I want to still be singing when the evening comes. Bless the Lord, O my soul.

It always comes back to this..

"Caitlin, do you trust me?" I so clearly remember God asking me that the summer before I got on a plane with my teammates and headed to Russia. He continued asking me that question over and over throughout the trip. And now, 2 years later, I am still struggling to answer that question with the "YES!" I so wish could flow from my heart. The circumstances have changed, the struggles are different (and seem more difficult), but the question still remains.

Sadly I must confess part of me wants to run from this question. I know the answer I must give, but I am scared of the consequences. It is painful to declare the truths of who my Creator is. It hurts to accept His love for me in these situations. It is so much easier to fill my head with lies, to give into my doubts and frustrations and fears. I don't want to wrestle through the pain.. yet I know I have to. As I pour my heart out to God, being open about all these feelings, I need to counter it with truth. Even when it seems impossible to. I am so thankful for my dear friends and the encouragement they give me to fix my eyes on Jesus and rely on God's promises.

Yet these sweet friends are also part of the difficulty. After 4 years at CSULB, I have graduated along with many of my closest friends. It is so hard to think of the changes coming in the fall, and even now as I've already said some good-byes.

These lovely ladies are a couple of those that will be dearly missed. Rachel (left) and I have shared so much over the past 4 years. So much laughter, often mixed with many tears. What a blessing it has been to walk through life with her, to grow together and see God working! She is off to UC Santa Barbara next year to work with the Navigators. Those girls will be so encouraged by this wonderful woman! Alicia (middle) I have been blessed to know these past 3 years, and have learned so much from her. A fount of wisdom, she was always so willing to listen and encourage and share a new perspective. Her vulnerability was inspiring and I have loved seeing her passion for the Lord and for the nations, and her willingness to obey God as He has called her to serve at Penn State!

  

Then there's this guy :) Daniel and I have so much fun together! I have so enjoyed getting greater glimpses into his heart and seeing his passion for the Lord and others. For the next 2 years, Daniel is obeying God's call to go to East Asia with Navs and love those around him there. This is where all those truths and promises about God become especially difficult to cling to. I have been trying (and often failing) to silence the lies in my head. It is quite scary, and I don't understand God's purpose or plan for this time apart. Yet I keep hearing the gentle question, "Caitlin, do you trust me?" A huge part of trusting God for me right now is trusting Him with Daniel's life and with our future. Oh how I wish it was easier to do.

Oh Lord, help me as I struggle through this. I want to say yes to You. To recognize Your sovereignty and believe Your plan for me. Help me fix my eyes on You, looking to You alone for strength and satisfaction. I long to trust You more.

"fill us anew we pray"

I have had many new blog ideas rattling around in my head and haven't fleshed any out in a while. And this isn't even one of those, but it was an experience that I keep thinking about and reflecting on all weekend, and I want to do my best to describe it to you! :)

This semester I have been volunteering with a Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) at a nearby school 3 hours each week. It has been such an amazing experience! She is an absolutely wonderful woman, and I am blessed to have learned so much from her and see her passion for these precious children.

One of these darlings has particularly captured my heart. He is 7 or 8 years old, and has autism that severely limits his spoken language, among other disabilities. Since his verbal output is so limited, he uses an app on an iPod that speaks the words and symbols as he touches them.  With the app, he is able to combine 2 or 3 words to make a basic request, which is huge progress even from when I saw him at the beginning of the semester. (This is relevant later, hang in there). A major focus on his therapy is for him to initiate conversation, to accurately say yes or no, and to engage with the people around him.

So on Friday (here's the good stuff) the SLP was testing him for the triennial evaluation. Before coming to us, he had been throwing a tantrum in class, laying on the floor with his shoes and socks off. As he came in and sat down, his behavior calmed and he was able to focus on the task before him of pointing to the picture that the SLP named. After a couple questions he would be reinforced for his calm sitting and attempts at labeling the pictures.

During this process, especially in the breaks when he would be eating the snack he was given, he continued to look over at me and reach his hand out to take hold of mine. The first time he did this, he looked at me and said, "Hi"... He actually said hi!!! That was so huge for him! He also waved to me a few times. It was so exciting to see him desiring to have that connection with me. One time when he was holding my hand he even brought it up to his mouth and kissed it. Oh how it melted my heart! Once the testing for that day was over, he got to make a choice for his next activity. As he was eating the skittle he had chosen, the SLP, her aid and I were talking and he took his iPod, chose “tickle” and looked at me to respond to his request! He completely initiated that interaction, and continued to ask me for more tickling until the session was finished. When the SLP told him it was time for him to go to class, and that he could walk with me, this boy who usually struggles with transitions, hopped out of his chair and walked over to me, asked me to tickle him one more time, then held my hand the whole way to class!

My heart was so full the rest of the day, and I texted the SLP explaining how I was feeling, and her response was very powerful to me. She said, "I cried so many times today thinking about it (happy tears). For it to happen now, and for you to experience how moving those moments of connecting are, is no coincidence... What you experienced today no one will understand with us describing... Thank you for being such a beautiful human being; he felt it :)" 

This lovely SLP has so been on my heart to be praying for, that God would break into her life and set her free from the bondage she is in and draw her to the abundant life He is offering her. And for her to recognize and even make me aware of the fact that my connection with this sweet boy is no coincidence, was so amazing to me. I love her and this precious little one, and am excited to see how God can continue using me in the last couple weeks of the semester with them.

Oh Lord, please make me more aware of how powerfully your Spirit is moving within me, and continue to fill me with more of You. Thank you for making me aware that even just by sitting and observing a therapy session, Your love can be flowing through me to influence the lives of this little boy and this dear woman. May I continue to rely on You and find joy in You so that those around me may experience the overflow of Your love and feel your presence. I praise You for the work You are doing, and for my identity in You that I am even able to fight this battle of showing others who You are.

James is like cheesecake!

WOW! My heart is so refreshed and filled with JOY after tonight! My friend Carlye and I are co-leading an upperclass study on the book of James, and tonight was our second night of it.

If it's been a while, or you haven't read it, then let me tell you.. James is a powerful book. So full of conviction and application! One of the wonderful ladies likened it to cheesecake. So incredibly rich, that you just want to take a small bite and savor it for a while. However, tonight was an overview of it, which she said was "like licking the top of the cheesecake". With so many points of application, it really was hard to make it through without stopping after every verse! Yet we managed to do so, and had such a lovely discussion!

The end however was my favorite. Heeding James 5:16, we really did confess our sins and temptations and pray for one another. The spirit of vulnerability was just amazing! And oh my goodness, SUCH an answer to prayer! This is what I have been longing to see among the women at Long Beach State, and have so desired to be a part of nights like this. I am so excited and expectant for what God is going to continue to do in and through us and our time spent in James this semester!! EEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!! (that's a scream of excitement) :)

Blessings

The past few days have been very emotional for me. God has been really challenging me to trust Him in so many areas of my life. It has been hard to hear Him asking me to stay. To remain where He has placed me, to pursue grad school, when my heart is crying out to go!

At EDGE Preview this weekend, there was a lot of time to think about the future and what God is calling me to do. Which was hard. But in worship, singing Living For Your Glory, I realized that every time I have sung these words before, in the back of my mind it has always meant, "Lord, take my life.. take me wherever you want.. take me overseas to live for your glory.. I'm willing to go" NOT what it should be: "Lord, take my life.. all of it.. and use me wherever you send me. Even if that means staying in California and going to grad school, working for a couple years. May I live for your glory in every aspect of my life, no matter where I am." I was really challenged yesterday to even more fully surrender my life.

Driving away from preview, Daniel and I were sharing more of what God was showing us during the weekend. I was tired, emotionally drained, and so aware of the struggle inside me to trust God with staying. Wondering why I'm supposed to wait, what God could have planned for these next few years...

Then it started to rain!!

Just a light sprinkling, but it came out of nowhere! There were no clouds anywhere above us. We could see some in the distance, but they were so far off and didn't look like rain clouds. It just felt like such a sweet little blessing from my Heavenly Father. I absolutely love the rain, and felt like it was God telling me, "My sweet Caitlin, I'm with you. I'm here and I see you. I know waiting is painful, but I want to bless you through it, even with all the confusion and struggles and hardships you see before you. As you trust Me, I am with you and can restore your joy if you let me. I have great things planned for you, my beloved."

Thinking about it today it reminded me of the song Blessings by Laura Story. I can't wait to see the many unique ways God will continue to bless me in the years to come!

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life." - Isaiah 43:10

family

I just love my family.
I'm reminded of this a lot more when I come home, especially for the Christmas season. We have filled it with so many lovely traditions (many of which are competitions), I can't even begin to explain them all.

I love the way we spend the days around Christmas.
Christmas Eve.. the candlelight service at church, time with my mom's side of the family, It's A Wonderful Life, and all the kids crammed in one room for a fairly sleepless Night Before Christmas slumber.
Christmas morning.. waking up at 7 to the alarm to somehow pile into our parents' bed (a cozy fit with the 6 of us and our dog) to pray and read about Jesus, the rush downstairs to our stockings, exchanging gifts, Christmas breakfast. Then time to pack! And off to Grandmother's house we go.
Christmas evening through the 29th or so.. spent with my dad's side of the family. All 14 of us, smiling around the dinner table, enjoying time to relax and chat and just be with each other. And of course the craziness and competitiveness of the games to come. Werewolves was a fun one to introduce them to this year. A perfect game for us Aikenheads.

As I enjoyed these moments this year, I was struck by my love for my family. Oh, we are far from perfect, but that's what love and grace are for! I treasured the little things, this year, wondering how much longer my Christmas will be just like this one. Grandpa's jokes about dessert, Aunt Jackie's laughter, listening to my siblings' quiet breathing as I tried to fall asleep, late night conversations with Uncle Wink, Aunt Julie's delicious dinners, Grandma's fun decoration games, Grandpa's Naval War sounds, the excitement on the younger one's faces as they open the legendary Aunt Lisa and Ginny boxes, sleepy bedtime conversations with my cousin, the teasing and sharing, board games and singing, and always uproarious (or risorial as we learned this year :)) laughter that fills the house.

I have been so blessed. Their great love, support and tender care is so encouraging. Looking forward to many more wonderful memories to come :)

Reflections

thankful: conscious of benefit received

I like this definition. So often I forget about or don't take the time to remember what God has given me. Caught up in the busyness and stress of my next to last semester of my undergrad, I have not been conscious enough of these blessings. And I want to share them with you now! So here goes..

family: full of traditions, competitive game playing, loving encouragement, fun adventures, nerf wars, car-ride concerts and vacations. I could not be more appreciative for all of their love and support. I love pulling into our driveway and being greeted with hugs and excitement :)

friends: those near and far away, old and new, have filled my life with laughter. I am thankful for all the crazy adventures, road trips, late night conversations, tears, and constant encouragement to grow in Christ. What a blessing!

daniel: it's been almost 3 months now, and such a fun adventure! I am thankful for his sweet encouragement and care. How he always points me back to Christ and keeps Him the center of our relationship. He has been so supportive in this crazy chapter of my life, and I could not be more grateful. I am excited to continue getting to know this wonderful man of God.

long beach: what an amazing community I have been given there! I have grown so much through my experiences there and have come to appreciate it as a home away from home :) I know next year will look very different, whether I remain in LB or go somewhere else, but I will always be joyful in reflecting on the 4 years it felt like home.

God: without Him I would have none of these amazing blessings! While it is often hard for me to trust what He has planned for my future, especially next year, I have no reason to fear - it will ALWAYS be for my good. Glancing behind at His provision and guidance in the past, I have confidence in moving forward into whatever He has for me. While everything around me changes, He remains the same. What a great comfort and reason to celebrate! Thank you, Father. May I continue to sing your praise.

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." 

- Zephaniah 3:17