Now This is Joy

Throughout the past few weeks, I've had many blog ideas rattling around in my head. Just haven't had time to write any of them! Probably shouldn't even be writing this right now, but God has been so good I just have to!

Here are a few bullet point lessons my Father has been sweetly and simultaneously speaking to me through friends' encouragements, time in the Word and messages at church:

• NOTHING is too hard for God (Jeremiah 32:17)
• Sometimes joy comes out of deep pain -- and through that you see the goodness of God and the beauty of Christ! He turns our mourning into joy! (Jeremiah 31:13-14)
• We must embrace the wilderness times in our lives (painful, difficult, trying) -- they are the most pivotal moments of our lives, causing us to rely on the Lord -- they are a gift! And as we embrace trust in those moments, that's when they make sense. We find purpose and hope in the wilderness.
• My Jesus loves me. So much. And he has given me life! (Jeremiah 31:3, Jeremiah 39:18, Jeremiah 45:5)

Can you tell I've been loving my time in Jeremiah lately? So all these lessons, they sound unrealistic, right? Oh yeah, well you can say that. It's easy to say it when life is good. Yet these lessons, these truths and promises, have come out of a couple of the hardest weeks of my life. School has been overwhelming. I have been exhausted. It's been really hard being away from Daniel. I haven't been hearing from him as much and have been missing him a lot more, especially feeling the lack of having shared experiences. It's been hard to trust God. To believe that He has a good plan for me. That He loves me, and that Daniel being 6,000 miles away is part of His perfect plan.

But my Father has been SO faithful! I am in awe. As I've sought Him and cried out to Him, He's answered. I was able to write "Daniel being gone for 21 months is a blessing!" in my journal. Sounds crazy, right? Well, it's true. It doesn't always feel good, but it is a blessing! Because I am being challenged and learning and growing, and Daniel and I have been able to keep growing in our relationship in wonderful ways!!! Yesterday, meditating on Jeremiah 45:5 was really good. Here are some of my thoughts from that time: "This is a war. A battle. But I have life, and have it to the full. I am sustained by You. You love me. You love me and You care for me. You have a wonderful plan for my life. And You're using this trial, this painful season, to draw me closer to Yourself. To wrap me in Your love. To grow me in my dependence on You. To show me that my life is not my own. It was bought at a price. And now is Yours. To be used as You will. To glorify You and proclaim You out of pain. For You are good! So good and faithful."

There is so much more I could say. Maybe it'll be in my next blog. Thanks for reading this far. Be encouraged that the Lord knows exactly what situation You are in. And He is lovingly in control. Persevere in seeking Him, for He is faithful! And He is love!

semester 1.. check!

As of this morning, I finished my last final of my first semester of grad school! Craziness. My 3 page long checklist of everything that needed to be accomplished is all checked off! The time really did fly by, with some pretty significant lessons (new and revisited) in these months. Here are a sampling of them...

1) Grad school is intense. Many late nights, so much more reading and writing and research than anything in undergrad, and lots of presentations. Yet it is also so exciting and rewarding. I love applying what we're learning, and preparing to start our clinics in the spring! Just more confirmation that this is what God has created me to do :) 4 more semesters, friends. We can do it!!!

2) Rest is important. True rest. Not just zoning out to a tv show, but resting in God's word. In His presence. How refreshing that is! Also, how much I enjoy doing little arts and crafts projects. Painting, crocheting, decorating.. all have also been ways that I've enjoyed resting recently, doing something different than reading and writing and studying. It's been lovely!

3) Friends are wonderful blessings. I have been so encouraged by my roommates, fellow grad students and so many others who are dear to my heart. It is so nice knowing that they love and support me in what I am doing, and are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on! From lovely visits, to bringing me flowers and sweet little twins to play with, to making me food, to laughing and crying with me, these friends are so sweet :)

4) Technology is a gift from God. Seriously. I can't imagine how much harder these months apart would be if we didn't have Skype! And emails. Letters are fun, but with how long it takes to mail something to/from East Asia, so incredibly thankful for the blessing of the internet! I have loved seeing my sweet Daniel's face and hearing his voice as we chat over Skype. Which leads to the next lesson...

5) Relationships can thrive, even long distance ones. God has been so faithful in giving both of us such grace and understanding for each other, patience with technical difficulties (though great, the internet does not come without some glitches), and the ability to communicate well. Since God is leading us together, I am choosing to keep trusting Him in this, knowing He has great things in store for us. We've even been able to have some fun together over Skype, creating some shared experiences, like in the intense game of battleship we have going on right now, or acting out Much Ado About Nothing. As I hope in the Lord, I am encouraged to keep pressing on in His strength, and have confidence in what the future holds.

Well, those are some of the important ones. All I am coming up with at the moment. To sum it up, God is faithful and truly awe-inspiring. And as I seek Him and trust Him, even the difficult things in life seem more manageable. What a wonderful blessing :)

Weaving a Tapestry

So the past few days have been a little harder for me. Listened to the song Tapestry, by Beth Champion Mason (you should listen to it!), as I was driving back to Long Beach tonight, and it was very fitting with how I've been feeling. How I want to be trusting what God is doing in my life. Recognizing how He is using this challenging time to grow and strengthen me, and create something more beautiful in me. Sometimes (like now) it's hard to do that. But I will keep seeking and trying to trust. Rejoicing in the lessons I'm learning, in how my understanding of God's character is growing, and experiencing this deeper expression of His love for me.

Continuing to pray this verse for myself and Daniel as we trust God in this distance:

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside. I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread." - Job 23:10-12

It Is Well With My Soul

Well, Daniel boarded a plane to East Asia late Thursday night. Leading up to that painful moment when he disappeared from sight with a last wave good-bye until now, a few days since he's been gone, God has been doing such a work in my heart! I can do nothing but fall on my knees in awe and praise of Him, who perfectly is writing the story of my life. So a few lessons..

#1: I have never experienced and known the "peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7) as deeply as in this last week. I am so thankful for how God has been guarding my heart and mind in this way. It seems crazy from a worldly perspective, but as we were saying good-bye, I was able to honestly say (albeit through tears) "I'm not scared". And that has continued to be true in these past days. What an amazing gift!

#2: I am so thankful that Jesus has given me life. That I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me, interceding for my on my behalf. I love Romans 8. All of it. The freedom I have to cry out to my Father in weakness. To experience His love that I can never ever be separated from! To truly know that He is working for my good! And seeing that happening already.

#3: Psalm 34 also has many lovely gems. I love that I have been able to "taste and see the the Lord is good" and be blessed by taking refuge in Him. Thankful for His tangible expressions of His love and goodness through my roommates, friends and family. Verses 15 and 17 are also especially powerful to me. "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry", "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them". I have found it so powerful to be able to literally cry out to Him, and experience Him loving and comforting me through my tears. That I do not even have to be able to form the words, but He knows what is on my heart, the deepest expressions of my emotions. He knows, and He hears and He cares and He loves me through all of it. I'm reminded of Hannah, in 1 Samuel 1, crying out to the Lord, in bitterness of soul, pouring out her soul to Him. I am thankful for the freedom of that. And that I can cry and grieve, but simultaneously, be so filled with joy and hope and peace!

There is probably more to add, but I think this is good for now :) I get to skype with him in less than an hour! SO excited :)

Oh Lord, may I continue to deepen my trust and hope in You alone. May I cling to the truths of who You are, experiencing the depths of Your love for me. I want to still be singing when the evening comes. Bless the Lord, O my soul.

It always comes back to this..

"Caitlin, do you trust me?" I so clearly remember God asking me that the summer before I got on a plane with my teammates and headed to Russia. He continued asking me that question over and over throughout the trip. And now, 2 years later, I am still struggling to answer that question with the "YES!" I so wish could flow from my heart. The circumstances have changed, the struggles are different (and seem more difficult), but the question still remains.

Sadly I must confess part of me wants to run from this question. I know the answer I must give, but I am scared of the consequences. It is painful to declare the truths of who my Creator is. It hurts to accept His love for me in these situations. It is so much easier to fill my head with lies, to give into my doubts and frustrations and fears. I don't want to wrestle through the pain.. yet I know I have to. As I pour my heart out to God, being open about all these feelings, I need to counter it with truth. Even when it seems impossible to. I am so thankful for my dear friends and the encouragement they give me to fix my eyes on Jesus and rely on God's promises.

Yet these sweet friends are also part of the difficulty. After 4 years at CSULB, I have graduated along with many of my closest friends. It is so hard to think of the changes coming in the fall, and even now as I've already said some good-byes.

These lovely ladies are a couple of those that will be dearly missed. Rachel (left) and I have shared so much over the past 4 years. So much laughter, often mixed with many tears. What a blessing it has been to walk through life with her, to grow together and see God working! She is off to UC Santa Barbara next year to work with the Navigators. Those girls will be so encouraged by this wonderful woman! Alicia (middle) I have been blessed to know these past 3 years, and have learned so much from her. A fount of wisdom, she was always so willing to listen and encourage and share a new perspective. Her vulnerability was inspiring and I have loved seeing her passion for the Lord and for the nations, and her willingness to obey God as He has called her to serve at Penn State!

  

Then there's this guy :) Daniel and I have so much fun together! I have so enjoyed getting greater glimpses into his heart and seeing his passion for the Lord and others. For the next 2 years, Daniel is obeying God's call to go to East Asia with Navs and love those around him there. This is where all those truths and promises about God become especially difficult to cling to. I have been trying (and often failing) to silence the lies in my head. It is quite scary, and I don't understand God's purpose or plan for this time apart. Yet I keep hearing the gentle question, "Caitlin, do you trust me?" A huge part of trusting God for me right now is trusting Him with Daniel's life and with our future. Oh how I wish it was easier to do.

Oh Lord, help me as I struggle through this. I want to say yes to You. To recognize Your sovereignty and believe Your plan for me. Help me fix my eyes on You, looking to You alone for strength and satisfaction. I long to trust You more.

"fill us anew we pray"

I have had many new blog ideas rattling around in my head and haven't fleshed any out in a while. And this isn't even one of those, but it was an experience that I keep thinking about and reflecting on all weekend, and I want to do my best to describe it to you! :)

This semester I have been volunteering with a Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) at a nearby school 3 hours each week. It has been such an amazing experience! She is an absolutely wonderful woman, and I am blessed to have learned so much from her and see her passion for these precious children.

One of these darlings has particularly captured my heart. He is 7 or 8 years old, and has autism that severely limits his spoken language, among other disabilities. Since his verbal output is so limited, he uses an app on an iPod that speaks the words and symbols as he touches them.  With the app, he is able to combine 2 or 3 words to make a basic request, which is huge progress even from when I saw him at the beginning of the semester. (This is relevant later, hang in there). A major focus on his therapy is for him to initiate conversation, to accurately say yes or no, and to engage with the people around him.

So on Friday (here's the good stuff) the SLP was testing him for the triennial evaluation. Before coming to us, he had been throwing a tantrum in class, laying on the floor with his shoes and socks off. As he came in and sat down, his behavior calmed and he was able to focus on the task before him of pointing to the picture that the SLP named. After a couple questions he would be reinforced for his calm sitting and attempts at labeling the pictures.

During this process, especially in the breaks when he would be eating the snack he was given, he continued to look over at me and reach his hand out to take hold of mine. The first time he did this, he looked at me and said, "Hi"... He actually said hi!!! That was so huge for him! He also waved to me a few times. It was so exciting to see him desiring to have that connection with me. One time when he was holding my hand he even brought it up to his mouth and kissed it. Oh how it melted my heart! Once the testing for that day was over, he got to make a choice for his next activity. As he was eating the skittle he had chosen, the SLP, her aid and I were talking and he took his iPod, chose “tickle” and looked at me to respond to his request! He completely initiated that interaction, and continued to ask me for more tickling until the session was finished. When the SLP told him it was time for him to go to class, and that he could walk with me, this boy who usually struggles with transitions, hopped out of his chair and walked over to me, asked me to tickle him one more time, then held my hand the whole way to class!

My heart was so full the rest of the day, and I texted the SLP explaining how I was feeling, and her response was very powerful to me. She said, "I cried so many times today thinking about it (happy tears). For it to happen now, and for you to experience how moving those moments of connecting are, is no coincidence... What you experienced today no one will understand with us describing... Thank you for being such a beautiful human being; he felt it :)" 

This lovely SLP has so been on my heart to be praying for, that God would break into her life and set her free from the bondage she is in and draw her to the abundant life He is offering her. And for her to recognize and even make me aware of the fact that my connection with this sweet boy is no coincidence, was so amazing to me. I love her and this precious little one, and am excited to see how God can continue using me in the last couple weeks of the semester with them.

Oh Lord, please make me more aware of how powerfully your Spirit is moving within me, and continue to fill me with more of You. Thank you for making me aware that even just by sitting and observing a therapy session, Your love can be flowing through me to influence the lives of this little boy and this dear woman. May I continue to rely on You and find joy in You so that those around me may experience the overflow of Your love and feel your presence. I praise You for the work You are doing, and for my identity in You that I am even able to fight this battle of showing others who You are.

James is like cheesecake!

WOW! My heart is so refreshed and filled with JOY after tonight! My friend Carlye and I are co-leading an upperclass study on the book of James, and tonight was our second night of it.

If it's been a while, or you haven't read it, then let me tell you.. James is a powerful book. So full of conviction and application! One of the wonderful ladies likened it to cheesecake. So incredibly rich, that you just want to take a small bite and savor it for a while. However, tonight was an overview of it, which she said was "like licking the top of the cheesecake". With so many points of application, it really was hard to make it through without stopping after every verse! Yet we managed to do so, and had such a lovely discussion!

The end however was my favorite. Heeding James 5:16, we really did confess our sins and temptations and pray for one another. The spirit of vulnerability was just amazing! And oh my goodness, SUCH an answer to prayer! This is what I have been longing to see among the women at Long Beach State, and have so desired to be a part of nights like this. I am so excited and expectant for what God is going to continue to do in and through us and our time spent in James this semester!! EEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!! (that's a scream of excitement) :)