"Caitlin, do you trust me?" I so clearly remember God asking me that the summer before I got on a plane with my teammates and headed to Russia. He continued asking me that question over and over throughout the trip. And now, 2 years later, I am still struggling to answer that question with the "YES!" I so wish could flow from my heart. The circumstances have changed, the struggles are different (and seem more difficult), but the question still remains.
Sadly I must confess part of me wants to run from this question. I know the answer I must give, but I am scared of the consequences. It is painful to declare the truths of who my Creator is. It hurts to accept His love for me in these situations. It is so much easier to fill my head with lies, to give into my doubts and frustrations and fears. I don't want to wrestle through the pain.. yet I know I have to. As I pour my heart out to God, being open about all these feelings, I need to counter it with truth. Even when it seems impossible to. I am so thankful for my dear friends and the encouragement they give me to fix my eyes on Jesus and rely on God's promises.
Yet these sweet friends are also part of the difficulty. After 4 years at CSULB, I have graduated along with many of my closest friends. It is so hard to think of the changes coming in the fall, and even now as I've already said some good-byes.
These lovely ladies are a couple of those that will be dearly missed. Rachel (left) and I have shared so much over the past 4 years. So much laughter, often mixed with many tears. What a blessing it has been to walk through life with her, to grow together and see God working! She is off to UC Santa Barbara next year to work with the Navigators. Those girls will be so encouraged by this wonderful woman! Alicia (middle) I have been blessed to know these past 3 years, and have learned so much from her. A fount of wisdom, she was always so willing to listen and encourage and share a new perspective. Her vulnerability was inspiring and I have loved seeing her passion for the Lord and for the nations, and her willingness to obey God as He has called her to serve at Penn State!
Then there's this guy :) Daniel and I have so much fun together! I have so enjoyed getting greater glimpses into his heart and seeing his passion for the Lord and others. For the next 2 years, Daniel is obeying God's call to go to East Asia with Navs and love those around him there. This is where all those truths and promises about God become especially difficult to cling to. I have been trying (and often failing) to silence the lies in my head. It is quite scary, and I don't understand God's purpose or plan for this time apart. Yet I keep hearing the gentle question, "Caitlin, do you trust me?" A huge part of trusting God for me right now is trusting Him with Daniel's life and with our future. Oh how I wish it was easier to do.
Sadly I must confess part of me wants to run from this question. I know the answer I must give, but I am scared of the consequences. It is painful to declare the truths of who my Creator is. It hurts to accept His love for me in these situations. It is so much easier to fill my head with lies, to give into my doubts and frustrations and fears. I don't want to wrestle through the pain.. yet I know I have to. As I pour my heart out to God, being open about all these feelings, I need to counter it with truth. Even when it seems impossible to. I am so thankful for my dear friends and the encouragement they give me to fix my eyes on Jesus and rely on God's promises.
Yet these sweet friends are also part of the difficulty. After 4 years at CSULB, I have graduated along with many of my closest friends. It is so hard to think of the changes coming in the fall, and even now as I've already said some good-byes.
Then there's this guy :) Daniel and I have so much fun together! I have so enjoyed getting greater glimpses into his heart and seeing his passion for the Lord and others. For the next 2 years, Daniel is obeying God's call to go to East Asia with Navs and love those around him there. This is where all those truths and promises about God become especially difficult to cling to. I have been trying (and often failing) to silence the lies in my head. It is quite scary, and I don't understand God's purpose or plan for this time apart. Yet I keep hearing the gentle question, "Caitlin, do you trust me?" A huge part of trusting God for me right now is trusting Him with Daniel's life and with our future. Oh how I wish it was easier to do.
Oh Lord, help me as I struggle through this. I want to say yes to You. To recognize Your sovereignty and believe Your plan for me. Help me fix my eyes on You, looking to You alone for strength and satisfaction. I long to trust You more.
I'm praying for you, my sweet, sweet girl. And I take comfort in the fact that our God is faithful. He must have reasons and purposes in all of this that can't be seen from this side of it, and those purposes are for your good and for Daniel's. We have that as a promise in scripture because you both clearly love God and are called according to His purposes. I pray that you both will know a closeness and intimacy with God during the separation that is deeper and more sustaining than ever before. I love you! Mommy <3
ReplyDeleteick, Why'd you pick those pictures!... :P
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely beautiful, Caitlin. Your honesty and openness inspires me so much! I've had to struggle with the same question too.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that God is so worthy of your trust. It's so hard to believe, I know, but He has helped you come this far already and will be faithful to take you the rest of the journey. I love what C. S. Lewis says: "There are far better things ahead than anything we left behind." Again, I know that's hard to believe in the absence of friends and your dear Daniel. But who knows what God has in store for you these next couple years? He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it, and He will do something incredible in your days that you could not even imagine even if someone told you. :) His ways are not your ways, not His thoughts your thougts, but every single passage in the Bible shouts from the rooftops God's abundant goodness and love. When we serve a God like that, we know everything will be ok. :)
Love you, Caitlin! God will never ever let you go!
Thank you for the encouragement, Noelle! :)
DeleteYou make me want to cry in Russia! I love you Caitlin. Come to the East Coast to visit! It will be a good warm-up trip for East Asia ext summer! :)
ReplyDeleteDon't cry! Oh yes, that would be great! Inshallah :)
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